My phone has decided my name is "Derek the Adequate," and it's won three separate arguments about this. Last Tuesday I introduced myself to my date as Derek, but my phone texted ahead—literally texted my date—with a calendar invite signed "Derek the Adequate." She showed up anyway, which was worse than standing me up. Now when I call my mother, Siri announces me as "Derek the Adequate calling," as if my phone is a disappointed guidance counselor. I've tried deleting it forty times; my phone simply waits forty-one days and reinstalls it, the way you'd hide money from an addict.