I signed up for a meditation app at 2 AM for $9.99 and felt genuinely centered for six minutes. Canceling required calling Brian in what I assume is a bunker, who kept asking if I was "really sure" while I could hear him eating something crunchy. Three calls later, Brian finally relented, but not before suggesting I try the app "one more time, maybe with better wifi." Turns out the easiest part of my wellness journey was the existential crisis—the hard part was convincing Brian I wasn't just having a bad day.